“Unresolved Conflict” — Scott Scruggs

Series: Insomnia – What Keeps You Up At Night?
Ephesians 2:14

Well good morning! Who here remembers the television show Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood? A few of you know this. If you remember that wonderful little neighborhood…the colorful little houses, the peaceful streets, the little trolley passing by as the camera zooms toward a little yellow house. Inside you’d find magically a giant stoplight. To this day, I have no idea what it was doing inside Mister Rogers’ house. Then the camera pans across the room to a front door and in walks Mister Rogers himself. Every time Mister Rogers would enter his house, he would do what? He would sing.

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?” Can you sing that with me? Alright, here we’re going to sing that together. Ready? One…two…three.

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Let’s make the most of this beautiful day, and since we’re together, we might as well say, ‘Would be my, would you be my, won’t you be my neighbor?’”

Hello, boys and girls. Awww…I wish it was a pink cardigan. You know, that would just really nail it home. Now Fred Rogers, as many of you know, had an interesting story prior to television. He was a war veteran. Fred Rogers was also a Presbyterian minister. I’m not sure which of those would have been more challenging, but Fred Rogers also played the character Mister Rogers.
As you know, Mister Rogers’ neighborhood was a pretty remarkable place. There were no raised voices. There were no angry outbursts. There were no violent attacks. There was always this sense of peace and serenity, of stability, of joy and happiness in Mister Rogers’ neighborhood. Children were safe, and parents could rest assured that it was all good in Mister Rogers’ neighborhood.

There was only one problem with Mister Rogers’ neighborhood…that our world doesn’t look that way. If you remember the opening sequence to the television show and the miniature model city of Mister Rogers’ neighborhood, the one thing that was missing was people. There were no people there, which is why there was no conflict because people are filled with conflict.

People are filled with things like resentment and anger and bursts of violence and unforgiveness. This is true across the board wherever in the world we look. It’s true for husbands and wives, parents and children. It’s true between friends and between colleagues. It’s true between leaders. It’s true between politicians. It’s true between communities. Even nations can stand against each other in conflict.

Question for you…how many of you have ever been mad at anyone? The rest of you are lying…alright. Well, it’s good that you are here. We’re in a series called Insomnia – What Keeps You Up At Night? We’re exploring the things that keep us from experiencing the peace, the rest, the joy that Jesus promises. One of the most common reasons for restless nights and stressful days is unresolved conflict we experience between ourselves and someone else. Someone perhaps who has hurt you. Someone perhaps who you have harmed or hurt in some way. It creates this wall of hostility…these seeds of resentment…these seeds of anger. There is all this sort of potential conflict that goes with that.

What’s worse, we struggle to know how to deal with that conflict, don’t we? In fact, most of us have learned a number of very bad habits when it comes to dealing with conflict. A lot of that comes from the bad modeling we’ve seen maybe in the home we were raised in or in other places of our lives. But we all have these bad habits all the same. I’m sure you will recognize some of these.

Some of us are what I would call conflict inflators. These are people who respond to conflict by immediately going on the offensive. They get louder, more emotional, more in your face. They avoid conflict by escalating it. Perhaps a motto for a conflict inflator would be from the great theologian Popeye thinking, That’s all I can stand, and I can’t stand no more. Things really get out of hand after that.

Conflict inflators, though, are not usually willing to listen. Conflict inflators are not usually in a position to own up to or admit their mistakes. They often leave things in even more of a mess. If you lived with or grew up with a conflict inflator in your life, you know it because there is probably a lot of emotion and maybe you never got a word in.

Others of us…and perhaps more of us…are what I would call conflict appeasers. Conflict appeasers are always looking to take the nice way out. I just recently read a story about a girl who went to see her boyfriend. He was at home baking a cake, which was curious. It was very unlike him; he had never baked anything before. So she was anticipating something really special and thoughtful. Then he proceeded to break up with her with no real explanation except to say, “I baked you this cake so you would feel better.” Now I told this story at a different time, and someone came up and asked me if that was me. I said, “No it wasn’t…I don’t know how to bake.” So…

Trying to be nice is one of the biggest barriers to healthy conflict. In the name of being nice, conflict appeasers talk around truth. They avoid saying what might be thought of as a hard or harsh word. If someone asked them if there was a problem, they might say something like, “Oh, I’m fine. It’s no big deal.” Which of course everyone knows that no big deal means “It’s a really huge deal. I just don’t trust you enough to talk about it.” All the married people in the room are kind of inside nodding their heads right now.

This appeasement, just-try-to-be-nice approach, however, I think is one of the biggest sins and struggles and barriers to healthy community in the church. I think we have stereotyped Jesus into a figure who looks more like the Mister Rogers persona than the Jesus of Scripture. Jesus is gentle. He is friendly; He is always smiling, always nice. It’s always good to be Jesus’ neighbor, which of course totally avoids the fact that Jesus was constantly engaging in really intense conflicts with people all around Him.

This is the same Jesus who turned over the money tables in the temple. This is the same Jesus who had the audacity to call out the hypocrisies of the religious leaders of His day. This is the same Jesus who would confront His very friends and followers with hard truths they needed to hear. He called Peter the devil because Peter needed to hear it.

Now Jesus didn’t do this with the intentions of being mean. But never once did Jesus go through His life just trying to be nice. Now while you may find yourself on the conflict inflator side or perhaps the conflict appeaser side…and they may seem like opposites…they’re actually two sides of the same coin. They’re actually two different ways we avoid dealing with conflict in our lives, which is the real issue for most of us in this room today.

So I am going to say it as plainly as I can. You cannot have a healthy spiritual life and healthy relationships in your life and avoid conflict. You cannot. Jesus knew that the kind of relationships that we actually long for…that we want…are only possible on the other side of conflict. They’re only possible when we stop avoiding the hard conversations and learn to engage conflict in head-on and healthier ways. But the goal is far from just utilitarian.

Engaging in conflict is also an essential part of our obedience to Christ. In fact…if I can be so bold to say…I believe it is an utter offense to the gospel of Jesus when we confess Christ as our Savior, and we sit in church week after week after week and continue to avoid conflict or to spread gossip or to speak maliciously about someone behind their back. I say that as much as a confession as anything else this morning.

I get caught up in this time and time again. My friends could tell you so. It’s just easier. It’s more convenient. It seems much better for me to go and recruit a few people to my side of the story before I go address the conflict I’m having. So I put on a smile, and I hide the fact that I’m angry or I’m hurt or I’m disappointed. I hope I’m getting into your living room right now.

But you know what this is? It’s sin. It’s sin. It’s sin. It’s sin. And it’s not like a light, simple sin. It’s not like, “Oh, not a big deal compared to the really taboo sins.” This is serious business. But the good news is that Jesus has done something about this. You see, Jesus did not just die for the sins that separate us from God. Jesus died for the sins that separate us from one another. Listen to how Paul described the reconciling work of Jesus in the book of Ephesians. He says, “For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.”

He goes on to talk about how this has broken down the barriers between Jew and Gentile. The cross has shattered the dividing wall, shattered the wall of hostility. Jesus is the only person in history not just to have a few fluffy, nice things to say about reconciliation but to actually do something to make it possible. We know it’s possible because the first century Jews and Gentiles who had lived in hostility for centuries began to gather together for meals, for worship, to pray with and for each other, to share resources all under the banner of their crucified Savior.

This proof has happened time and time again where reconciliation between nations, between communities, between leaders, between husbands and wives seemed otherwise impossible, but through Christ it became possible. Why? Because in Jesus, they’ve tasted a love that is so deep, forgiveness that is so real, healing that is actually so effective in their lives that the human categories…the walls, the divisions…that separate us and mark us as enemies become inconsequential. We stand together in Christ. There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female. There is no longer Democrat or Republican, citizen or immigrant, young or old; the Cross makes these things irrelevant to us.

We are one in the grace of our Lord, who has given His life to reconcile to us, who has engaged conflict with us in a different way. It’s really good news. We get to stand and receive that this weekend. But, there is also challenging news, difficult news, hard news in the story, and that is this. We have a role to play…a vital and practical and tangible role to play…in making this spiritual truth a social reality in our world. You have a vital role to play in making this spiritual truth a social reality in your world.

Paul put it this way in his letter to the church in Rome, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Everyone…not just a few friends, not just the people you get along with at work…but everyone. Includes your spouse when you’re fighting, your friend who has let you down, the colleague who has broken your trust, that person in your life you simply cannot stand who bugs you to death. Paul says, “As far as it depends on you…if it’s possible…live at peace.” Make peace. He is saying you have a responsibility as a Christ-follower not to avoid conflict with that person, but to engage it directly, honestly, openly.

We’re going to spend a few moments now reflecting on how we can do that better in our lives. But before I go further, there are two important kind of caveats or kind of side notes implied in Paul’s language here that are really, really important for us to hear, and I just want to point them out quickly.

First is this…engaging in conflict doesn’t mean we put ourselves in harm’s way. It doesn’t mean that we stay in harm’s way. Paul uses the phrase, “If it is possible…if it is possible…live in peace.” There are situations where there is violence or threats of violence where it is simply not possible for a person in that situation to be in a one-on-one relationship trying to reconcile that out. It’s not safe, and therefore it’s not possible. So they have to get to safety in those situations. Then from that perspective, there can be other ways to get to the reconciliation peace. If it is possible…

Secondly, engaging in conflict doesn’t always end in perfect resolution. It doesn’t always turn out exactly how we would hope. Paul uses the phrase, “As far as it depends on you, live in peace” which means you can’t control the part that depends on the other person. You cannot control their response. You cannot control how they receive you as you come into that space. You cannot control whether or not they would apologize or forgive. There are times when no amount of honest dialogue or effort seems to make a difference, and it is important for us to recognize that our call is to be faithful to the process of reconciliation, not just to the outcome. Does that make sense?

So the question for us then is…What’s the process? How do we do this? How do we be faithfully going about the business of living at peace and resolving conflict? Well a friend of mine who is a pastor came up with an acronym. I’m not always a fan of acronyms; they can be kind of cheesy at times. But this one has been really, really helpful for me. I’ve started using it, and it’s been really fascinating. It’s actually very, very practical, simple stuff, but if you try this, it is going to be difficult and demanding. It is deeply biblical stuff. He came up with this idea about bridging the gaps…bridging the gaps.

The first step we have to do in bridging the gaps with others is go. Matthew 18:15 says, “If a brother or sister sins, go and point out the fault just between the two of you.” So the question is…To whom do we go when we’re having conflict? To the person with whom you are having conflict, which is really important because we usually start by going to almost anyone else but that person, right? I just recently had a friend call me out on this. I was frustrated with someone. I started to vent about it, and she stopped me in the middle of that and said, “It sounds like you have someone you need to go see.” She was right.

So I did, and I went straight to another person I could vent this to who would listen to me. That second person wisely said, “I think there is someone else you should be talking to” which made it impossible for me to avoid going and doing the right thing. So I finally went directly to that person, and we started to work out our conflict. Go means go in person to the person…in person to the person. Jesus took this kind of going really, really seriously.

If you were to thumb through the Gospels, you would find time after time a situation where Jesus is engaging in conflict with someone…lots of times the religious leaders of His day. But what you will not find…not once, not ever…is Jesus going to Peter or John and saying, “Can you believe what those Pharisees are up to? Can you believe what that Nicodemus came and asked Me last night? What an idiot he is.” Not once. Jesus would have nothing of this. Jesus didn’t avoid conflict; He would go.

When we don’t do this, it’s about the most damaging thing we can do to a relationship. It feels innocent; it feels innocuous, but it’s the most damaging thing we can do. Those of you who have had this happen to you, you know this. When you found out that someone spoke poorly about you behind your back, it was just like a stake in your heart. Didn’t make you want to be closer to that person, did it? Didn’t make you want to be at peace with that person, did it? Which is why Jesus says, “First, you go in person to the person.”

Secondly as we go, there is something that is perhaps maybe even more difficult. We admit. We admit. Admitting is very, very different than accusing, which is what I think a lot of us like to do. Accusing is about first finding and pointing out the faults in the other person…what they did to you, what they did wrong, where they have been wrong. Admitting is about first sharing ownership of your part in the conflict. Jesus calls us to admit before we accuse.

I grew up with an older sister. Those of you who have siblings know that siblings fight. It’s just part of family. One of the worst phrases I remember hearing from my parents after a fight was, “Go tell your sister you’re sorry.” That would make me just raging mad, and then all the excuses would start flying out. “Well she started it. Do you even know what she did to me? She should come apologize to me first.” It’s a good thing we’ve grown out of behavior like that, isn’t it? Maybe not so much.

There are few conflicts in your life in which you are totally right and the other person is totally wrong. There are some extreme exceptions I suppose, but they are rare. The reality is there is always at least a small percentage that you need to own. To engage in conflict well, you have to be able to own it.

A friend of mine who was divorced by his wife struggled for years with bitterness and resentment and rightly so. Numerous attempts at resolution/reconciliation really led nowhere because the conversations were all accusation. They were all about accusing. Sometime later they met, and he took a little different approach. My friend said, “I want to apologize now for the ways I think I hurt you while we were married.”

To his surprise, she was able to then name some of the ways she hurt him. In that moment of admitting on both sides, a moment of real forgiveness happened. You see, when two people enter conflict willing to say, “Here is where I’ve wronged you. Here is what I have done” and they are able to articulate those things, true forgiveness is a matter of inches away.

Now this does not mean that we are not honest where we feel hurt by someone. Admitting also means being willing to say, “This is how I feel hurt by what you’ve done.” It’s admitting something about how we’re doing, but that’s very different than pointing the finger in accusation and telling them who you think they are or what they’ve done. We go, and we admit.

Then along the way with that, the third thing is that we pray. Now some of you may be thinking, Well goodness, it seems like this is a bit out of order. We should be praying first, praying throughout. Of course this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be praying throughout the process, but let me challenge you just a bit for a moment. Unfortunately, I think too many Christians want to sometimes avoid the go and admit part, and in the name of going home and praying their way through it, sort of spiritualizing it, which I believe is just another way to avoid the conflict all together. But as we go and as we are able to admit what we need to own, we indeed have to be praying. It is essential to be praying. Because amidst the conflict, we’re often carrying grudges against others.

I once heard it said that a grudge is like taking a poison, hoping your enemy will die. It actually is what’s killing us…the grudge we hold against someone. Jesus therefore calls us to love our enemies and pray. Pray for those we feel are persecuting us because it is how our hearts begin to change.

When I was working as a college pastor, one of the difficulties I faced was the conflict with other campus ministers. For those of you who don’t know, sometimes Christian leaders fight. I asked a mentor for advice. He said, “If you really want to have a change of heart, start praying for them. And not just for the conflict…not just for the resolution…start praying for their success. Start praying for God to bless their life.”

When I heard that, it really ticked me off because I was more interested in my own success. I was more interested in how things were going for me. In fact, I felt like these men and women were getting in the way of my success. Just a side note, when you see people as in the way, it’s a pretty clear sign you have some praying to do. But, you see, it was in those prayers for their blessing and success that followed that started to change my heart because it’s hard to carry a grudge for someone when you start asking God to bless their life. Prayer is the remedy for the toxin of keeping a grudge.

So we go, we admit, we pray, and then one final thing…we stay. We stick it out. We stick with it. Staying means we don’t just smooth it over so we can get on with our life. Staying doesn’t mean we just sort of do the petty niceties so we can feel calm about it and then move on to what we were doing before. That is not love. That is actually indifference. Staying means a commitment to building a stronger relationship than you had before. It will take time, and it will be difficult. The deeper the wounds, the longer it may take to heal. Staying doesn’t mean staying in danger. It means staying tuned in to the relationship you’ve been called to reconcile.

You may be asking yourself, Why would I want to do that? I don’t like the person with whom I’m having conflict. I don’t get along with the person I’m having conflict. The reason we do this is because this is what God has done for you. See God did not just stay at a distance and resolve to just try to be nice. God came in the person of Jesus. Jesus did not come accusing us of our sins. Rightly He could have. Jesus, having no fault of His own, took on sin on Himself, admitted our faults. From the cross, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them. They have no idea what they’re doing.” Then Jesus through His Spirit has stuck it out with us day after day ever since, being faithful to us through all the ups and downs, through all the twists and turns, through all the conflict.

Maybe there is someone you have given up on. Maybe there is someone you’ve written off. Maybe there is someone you have hurt, and you have been avoiding owning up to that. Maybe you’re avoiding that person all together. That means there is a lot we can be doing today, this week, and as we go from here. But as we close now and end this hour, there are two things I want to challenge you with, two responses for us.

The first is a moment of confession. If you are like me and you see these words, you may be feeling, I am absolutely terrible at those things. We need to be able to own that and confess to our God that we often make things far worse than they were before with how we go about engaging conflict. Maybe you just are thinking of a name right now or a face or a person who you need to confess to God you have not been able to do it the way you could have with them. That’s an important step…confession.

The second response for you I want to challenge you with is that you would receive something this morning because God has grace for you in this. The abundance of God’s love is so overwhelming and overflowing that even our terrible ways of wrestling out our fights doesn’t stop Him from moving in our lives. God has grace for you in this…enough grace to encourage you, to empower you, to fill you up so it’s overflowing. Because the only way we will be able to go from here and love others the way Jesus did…not mean but not too nice…but with the right ability to handle conflict…is if we are so filled up by the overwhelming love of God for us who came and took on our sin and prayed for our blessing and has stuck it out.

So with that in mind, if you would pray with me for a moment. In the quiet of your heart, I would like to give you just a few moments…just a few seconds…to confess. If you are like me as I went through these words, names and faces came to mind. Stories and situations came flooding into my heart. I felt bad about it. I’m not asking you to feel bad about it. I’m asking you to confess that maybe it could have been done differently. Maybe you can do it differently.

Maybe you just want to write one of those names down so it doesn’t leave this room without leaving your mind. There in that space as you consider that name, I want to ask you to receive a new blessing that in Jesus Christ, God has reconciled the world unto Himself. That means all your sins have been taken care of…past, present, and future. That means there is grace for you in this. In this moment, you need to breathe in God’s unconditional love for you, His justice and mercy embodied on the cross.

Jesus, we pray we would receive from You now all the grace we need to fill up our hearts with overwhelming abundance that we might make peace with You and then go from this place and make peace with the people in this world that You so love. We pray this in Your name, Amen.